i was told that it's possible i may hit a low point before going and question whether i should or wonder what the hell i've let myself in for but to just ride it out and not be afraid of voicing these fears to my Sensei and Dharma friends. well, that doesn't seem to have happened as of yet. perhaps it will as the time grows nearer. perhaps it won't.
discussing with a good Dharma friend and teacher the relationship i have with my parents, he commented that he felt my Chomon had already begun. certainly post- Shokai there has been a sense of introspection on my part, brought about chiefly by hearing others moving reflections on their own relationships. and i know that i am indebted to them for this. namu amida butsu.
the other thing that has been bearing down on my mind pre- and post- Shokkai is what it means to make Buddhadharma the fundamental point or driving force in one's life. i feel this is a very important question but it's not one that necessarily throws up easy answers in the context of Jodo Shinshu (and quite likely in other traditions also, though i can't speak from experience as regards them) and the more i consider it the more related questions appear and the more the desire to realise what it means grows.
we hear the admonishment to make Buddhadharma the central focus of life repeatedly in Rennyo's teachings and those his students, for example -
"If you are too much absorbed in secular matters without having shinjin, hell comes closer to you day by day. When the result of too much absorption in secular matters becomes evident, you will find hell nearby. Outward appearances do not indicate whether or not one has shinjin. Do not assume that you will live long. Instead think only that you have this day to live."
(article 66, Goichidaiki kikigaki)and again -
"You should remember that whatever you do for the Buddhadharma is an awesome thing. Be very careful about everything.
There is no tomorrow for the Buddhadharma. Lose no time in matters concerning it"
(article 102)
...but there is the constant risk of reliance on one's own efforts at the expense of tariki. and then comes the whole self-/Other-power paradox - namely that to conscientiously let go of one's own effort really amounts to nothing more than a re-inforcement of it. one could raise Saichi's famous wasan at this point -
There is no self-power
There is no other-power
All is Other-power
Namu amida butsu
but i feel that any honesty in those words is born out of the realisation of shinjin and not prior to it. otherwise it would be all to easy to say "hey, i'll mix up some tonglen, zazen, mantras and mudras and earnestly practice them to strive for liberation but it's okay! it's all Other-power!" - dishonest to oneself.
so clearly - lying back and chilling out isn't the option. neither is concerted, self-conscious effort. neither is dismissal of or ignoring the question.... tricky tricky. i'll leave this chain of thought there for the time being. more than likely i'll come back to it shortly.
namu amida butsu
