the best of intentions?

one of the things we come up against time and again in Shinran's teachings is this issue of the purity of our intentions. though we might like to believe our motivation behind a given action to be sound, dig a little deeper and we quickly come to realise how mired in self-servitude we are - for example, how often do we resent not receiving praise or thanks for an act of generosity? can we in all honesty say then, that the motivation was selfless? or was it purely to validate our sense of self-worth in the eyes of others?

thinking through this issue of intent a bit more thoroughly than i've perhaps done in the past, leads me to wonder whether i've not been just paying lip-service to the notion of what compassion must really mean in the Mahayana path. of course it sounds wonderful, who wouldn't like the thought of leading all sentient beings to liberation? but in practice....hell, if i can't even disentangle my selfishness from one single attempted act of dana then what hope is there? because each action can only mean something truly worthwhile if the intention behind it is for the liberation of all beings, that's why in Words of My Perfect Teacher we're told -

"Even when you do something good, check your motivation carefully. If your intention is good, act. If your motivation is to impress people, or is based on rivalry or a thirst for fame, make sure you change it and infuse it with bodhicitta. If you are quite unable to transform your motivation, it would be better to postpone the meritous act until later."
- pp.126-127

Such is the problem Shinran acknowledged in himself -

I am such that I do not know right and wrong
And cannot distinguish false and true;
I lack even small love and small compassion,
And yet, for fame and profit, enjoy teaching others.
- Shozomatsu wasan 116

i see this somewhat as the starting point - confronting our selfish nature and awakening to how deeply entrenched it is within ourselves. this in turn can lead us, just as it did Shinran, to abandon our reliance on self-effort, and throw ourselves into whole-hearted refuge in the Buddha, the Dharma and the Sangha, as they alone are the pure well-spring from which truely selfless, compassionate action flows forth.

but still, i feel that leaves a hanging question hovering over the individual as far as Shinshu is concerned. in other traditions there are clear pointers towards arousing and maintaining this compassion, through meditative and visualisation techniques. as such, when faced with the suffering of others, the practitioner, if he has followed the instructions of his teacher well, will quite naturally respond with this selfless compassion. in Shinshu though, all that is left is to entrust to the Buddha. there are no such clear signs or markers for generating compassion. because it is something received entirely through Other.

as such, i can't really offer any nice and tidy resolution to this posting because it is still something i wrestle with. i have my suspicions though. in both cases the individual is drawing upon something other than the small self - the Buddhadharma. perhaps the form or manner differs, resting in Dharma through practice on the one hand and on the other resting in Dharma through entrusting. but each constitutes a fundamental turning away from our previous habitual reliance on self. maybe then, the more we rest in this Other, the mind to liberate all beings becomes something quite naturally outflowing. as natural as the love a mother has for her child, devoid of calculation or thought of personal gain. such naturalness lies outside of any effort and just "is".

i guess the next question i'd ask myself is what does this actually mean in practice? how does such naturalness engage with the suffering faced by so many throughout the world? that's something i have to continue to reflect on, drawing from the Three Jewels for guidance. as such i'll leave this blathering there for the time being, but as ever welcome any thoughts, input, comments, experience, w/e...

namu amida butsu