But, what can you do about your suffering?

‎"The more we allow ourselves to be the servants of having, the more we shall let ourselves fall prey to the gnawing anxiety which having involves"

- Gabriel Marcel

every once in a while the feeling that i've gorged myself at the great dining table of materialism until my sides are fit to burst overtakes the desire and craving which, until this point, has driven me forward. i will stand in that modern cathedral - the retail outlet, money in my pocket, craving still present...and yet, i literally can not be bothered. a mixture of apathy and nausea to the whole process kicks in and i walk out, pockets empty, having failed my capitalist masters.
the real sickness though isn't the nausea i feel at those times towards the process. it's that i can actually afford to be stood in that store in the first place, and reach a stage where ultimately my apathy stems from over-consumption. the fact of it is that i simply don't know and never have known what it truly is to need something, to live hand-to-mouth worrying about how you're going to make it through the next day or even next hour.

we can dress it up as a modern problem by referring to it exclusively as consumerism and mention that society is precisely geared towards this mode of work,consumption, death, ad infinatum. certainly it's a valid point and one i could blather on about quite happily for hours (to no real avail, point or purpose other than liking the sound of my own voice) but of course we know the problem lies deeper than just product consumption. i think ultimately we're all just so busy running around looking to fill the empty gap in our lives - be it through products, drugs, sex, whatever - that we never pause and take stock to realise the ephemeral and fleeting nature of it all. we grasp and it's gone and we carry on blindly.

i think Marcel's quote nails it succinctly on the head - there's a gnawing anxiety, not only in the delusion that we don't have enough or that what we do have we must protect and defend (and herein lies the distinct disadvantage of private property - Proudhon knew all too well "property is theft"), but crucially in the deep down knowledge we like to mask and shout over that none of it actually ever succeeds in filling that gap.

if we're asking how to break free of such a servitude though, i think further comments from Kiyozawa hold sway paticularly for the nembutsu-sha -

"Demand not. Seek not. What discontentment can you possibly have? If you are discontent, isn't that a sign of distrust? Hasn't Heaven endowed you with all you need? Even if you feel that endowment falls short of your needs, can you find contentment in anything other than what Heaven has decreed? If you suffer from feelings of discontentment, you must further cultivate yourself  so that you may learn to be content with the Mandate of Heaven. It is base to demand from others. It is servile to seek in others. That is to despise the endowment of Heaven. Certainly, the Mandate of Heaven is unaffected by your ingratitude. But, what can you do about your suffering?"

- this opens up a whole other dimension because i believe Kiyozawa isn't just referring here to the material but also to the spiritual. it's not only in our wordly life that desire and attachment dominate as habitual tendencies, but are also carried over into our spiritual life (although i acknowledge the dichotomy between the two is an ill-founded one). attainments, progression, favour with the teacher, praise...all of these blind us to what Dharma can and does give us freely, beyond such petty chasings after. but that perhaps, is another topic for another post.

namu amida butsu

‎

Heavy Cross To Bear

night-shifts are, as per, slooow at the moment. but a site i'm really enjoying, killing the buddha, is helping the time pass more quickly. reading several articles is also causing me to look back and reflect on my own religious upbringing as the son of a Rector and subsequent shift to Buddhadharma.

it's stating the obvious to say that Buddhadharma is still relatively new to the West and i think many like myself come to it with a certain amount of religious baggage and quite probably several misconceptions too.

even mentioning Buddhism and religion in the same breath will sometimes bring up waves of protest and subsequent debate that the former can't be classed as the latter. along similar lines some will say that the concept of God is entirely absent within Buddhism, and while this may be true in the sense of an almighty Alpha and Omega, the suttas and sutras frequently mention devas, indras, asuras and other heavenly beings. this being so, it's not uncommon to hear the claim such examples amount to cultural baggage which Buddhadharma has aquired since early times in its history and at the extreme end of the debate the implication that one of the great tasks facing Buddhadharma in the West is to purge it altogether of these "superstitions".

the Kalama Sutta has become an oft quoted favourite to support the arguement that Buddhism favours an approach where if what is read or heard does not sit with one's own experience (or in some cases, one's preference) then one must dismiss it altogether and carry on regardless. but we need only read Ven. Thanissaro Bhikkhu's introduction to the sutta to see that this is a mistaken interpretation -

Although this discourse is often cited as the Buddha's carte blanche for following one's own sense of right and wrong, it actually says something much more rigorous than that. Traditions are not to be followed simply because they are traditions. Reports (such as historical accounts or news) are not to be followed simply because the source seems reliable. One's own preferences are not to be followed simply because they seem logical or resonate with one's feelings. Instead, any view or belief must be tested by the results it yields when put into practice; and — to guard against the possibility of any bias or limitations in one's understanding of those results — they must further be checked against the experience of people who are wise. The ability to question and test one's beliefs in an appropriate way is called appropriate attention. The ability to recognize and choose wise people as mentors is called having admirable friends 

judging by the above comments i have often observed an acceptance of and agreement with  - Instead, any view or belief must be tested by the results it yields when put into practice - but an inconsideration of - and — to guard against the possibility of any bias or limitations in one's understanding of those results — they must further be checked against the experience of people who are wise.ofcourse i am making generalisations here and certainly don't claim to speak for all Western Buddhists, none the less i do believe there is some validity in the observation. 

many new to Buddhism have left behind their Christian faith (such as i myself) and in certain cases this "conversion" has created some tension between themselves and their family members. part of the appeal perhaps of Buddhism, are the radical differences - rebirth, not-self, emptiness, enlightenment and so on and so forth. and thus anything within Buddhadharma that appears even remotely similar to the religion they have come from, or even religion in itself, appears to threaten the sense of conversion to a radically different way of seeing the world which they have just begun to undertake.


so we will sometimes hear either blatently or subtly, an attack on their old outlooks and faith. a derision and perhaps a certain sense of anger directed to that which they have turned away from. and its at this point that i realise i have not always been so exempt from such a tendency. but i believe that in order to let go then we need to stop being so angry and upset at our religious pasts, stop being so derisive, halt in some cases our desire to outright attack them and instead turn back and face them.

we need not fear that in doing this we somehow betray our refuge. facing is not to be taken as agreeing with or re-converting. i prefer to see this "turning around", a process that i am beginning with baby-steps to undertake, as a way of making peace with our past. a way of dropping the anger, dropping the resentment and learning to appreciate rather than shun our religious histories, whatever they may be.

when i think of the encouragement and curiousity my own mother, an evangelical christian, has displayed towards the Dharma path i have undertaken then i realise the depths of the selfless love she has for me. a love that makes her say yes to coming with me to Three Wheels, a love makes her encourage me to attend Chomon, a love that makes her sit and listen with interest and i read to her from Kiyozawa's diary. but i can not say that i have been so encouraging or curious to engage with and share in her own path. and i think this speaks back to the anger i spoke of earlier, an anger that in my own case is unfounded, has no basis, an anger that is selfish. 

and so i am learning to turn around. i no longer want to harbour this purposeless anger. i want to make peace with and understand my religious history and i want to share in my mothers own path with the same interest, curiosity, encouragement and above all love that she has displayed for me on mine. and so i look forward to, in the not too distant future, picking up some Meister Eckhart, some Thomas A Kempis and other works of the christian mystics and reading and discussing them with her. it's a small start - baby-steps. 

in the words of the Dhammapada - let a man conquer anger by love. may these words, my mother's love for me and mine for her and Amida Buddha's Infinite Light guide me through this undertaking, step by step.


namu amida butsu

     

The Limitations of Self

"It is not  simply due to  actual benefit that I trust in Tathagata, but also due to another important reason. I trust in Tathagata because I realise that my intellect is limited. Except for the period when I was not  serious about life, Ialways felt a keen desire to enquire into the meaning of my life. As a result of that enquiry, I eventuallly reached the conclusion that the meaning of life is inscrutable. That conclusion has led me to trust in Tathagata. Since not everyone goes through a process of enquiry to arrive at religious conviction, some might contradict me  and say that it was not necessary for me to do what I did in order to gain trust in Tathagata. But I disagree. Such a course was necessary for me. In my religious conviction I am now aware of the utter uselessness of my self-efforts. In order to realise this I had to pursue all  kinds of intellectual investigations until I finally came to the point where I recognised the utter futility of such efforts. It was an extremely painful process. Before reaching that ultimate point, I thought that at times I had formed some ideas about my religious conviction. but one after another each of those ideas were smashed.Such bitter experiences were unaviodable as long as I sought to establish religious conviction on the basis of logic or scholarly enquiry. After going through such a difficult process, I have come to realise that I cannot define good or evil, truth or untruth, happiness or unhapiness.. Aware of my total ignorance, Ihave come to entrust all matters to Tathagata. This is the most essential point in my religious conviction." 

- Manshi Kiyozawa