two weeks ago my Grandmother died and last thursday i found myself standing over her coffin with my mother, in the viewing room of the funeral parlour, hours before her funeral. i'd seen her a month prior to this, as she lay in a hospital bed, scared and confused, the life slowly draining away from her, quite visible to see by the change in her physical appearance.
in the last ten years or so of her life she had shown all the natural signs of old age - chiefly through her physical frailty and incapacity, yet she'd always displayed a sense of strong will and independence. seeing her vulnerability then, came as a shock. i guess my main feeling at that point was one of complete and utter helplessness, of which we'll come to in a minute.
stood over her corpse, i found myself questioning the value in dressing her up like that - a little make-up, a favourite turqoise dress, it somehow felt dishonest. however, i think it may have been some comfort to my mother, who more than any of us felt the pain of seeing her physical deteriation.
sat through the funeral i felt perhaps as if i could grieve for the first time. nonetheless, it set off all kinds of questions inside me, mainly concerning this issue of helplessness, some of which i'll try now to lay out...
i think these questions were amplified during the ceremony by a sense of disparity felt between my own religious tradition and that of my mothers' and sisters'. although the words spoken by the priest were very moving and resonated to an extent despite this disparity, i found myself with a nagging sense of what was left unsaid rather than what wasn't. my Grandmother wasn't particularly religious and therefore there's no need to state where she's headed for according to most Christian thought. similarly, where she might be headed according to Buddhist thought is no less comforting, the only difference (one of temporality), providing scant comfort.
and this is what causes the biggest feeling of helplessness inside me. for a long time now i've come to question not so much the efficiency of petitionary prayer (although that as well) but it's value and purport. the desire to petition a Buddha or God for my Grandmother's salvation or favourable rebirth - is it really a desire to find comfort through asserting some kind of imagined control over the situation for myself? If a Buddha is infinite in wisdom and compassion and i lack even small compassion and wisdom, then what makes me think i have a right to suggest to them a course of action to take? the very thought of such an act makes me uncomfortable as it feels like an actively willed denial of the way things are and will be.
none the less, i did find myself wanting to do precisely this petitioning after seeing her in hospital. and i still haven't and i don't think i will. all i can do is continue to thank her for giving me this last teaching on impermanence and the futility of jiriki, and say the nembutsu in gratitude for Amida's practice which ensures that one day we will meet again in the Pure Land.
namu amida butsu
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Sunday, 5 September 2010
Monday, 14 December 2009
The Third Jewel
i wanted to just very quickly comment on the aforementioned subject of 'a good teacher'. i remember when i first came to Buddhadharma and i would read all these wonderful personal accounts of followers' appreciation for their teachers and samghas. truth is, at that time reading such words felt like picking at an open wound. the abscence of a teacher in my own practice and path was keenly felt and each time i recited the three refuges, my heart would sigh a little as i came to the words "i go for refuge to samgha". it's a hard path treading the Dharma alone (of course, it is frequently hard regardless but how much more so without a good teacher)...perhaps not impossible but certainly i feel beyond my limited scope. and so i sympathise with all those yet to encounter their teacher, yet to find a sangha and can only really say i've been there too, as have many others, we know what it's like so please do not be discouraged.
at the same time though, there is quite a tendency in today's age to adopt an attitude of go-it-alone, rough-it-out stoicness. quiet a few of my non-buddhist friends who have shown a curiousity to my path have asked why, if the Buddha had no teachers (a not entirely correct assumption) should we then follow his teachings and subsequently seek out a teacher/master/guru for help and guidance? i can't but wonder though, whether this line of questioning, maybe on a subtle and not immediately apparent level is just another of oh-so-many mechanisms set up by our ego sense of self when it encounters a teaching that threatens to loosen its stranglehold - "if i am going to seek freedom from ego-attachment, then i am going to do it by myself, my own way"? in that sense we can then settle into the nice and comforting illusion of loosening the stranglehold, all the while merely re-inforcing and strengthening it.
regardless, when we are led to encounter the compassion of Buddhadharma then we can't help but feel a huge sense of shame at how petty and foolish these self-calculating mechanisms we've set in place for ourselves really are. and at the same we realise how indebted to everyone and everything around us we are. how dependent we are on something infinitely greater than our small sense of self. at these times we are made to realise how truly precious and valuable a good teacher and Dharma friends are and enabled all the more to turn for refuge to Buddha, Dharma and Samgha with a renewed sincerity and clarity.
namu amida butsu
Thursday, 19 November 2009
Heavy Cross To Bear
night-shifts are, as per, slooow at the moment. but a site i'm really enjoying, killing the buddha, is helping the time pass more quickly. reading several articles is also causing me to look back and reflect on my own religious upbringing as the son of a Rector and subsequent shift to Buddhadharma.
it's stating the obvious to say that Buddhadharma is still relatively new to the West and i think many like myself come to it with a certain amount of religious baggage and quite probably several misconceptions too.
even mentioning Buddhism and religion in the same breath will sometimes bring up waves of protest and subsequent debate that the former can't be classed as the latter. along similar lines some will say that the concept of God is entirely absent within Buddhism, and while this may be true in the sense of an almighty Alpha and Omega, the suttas and sutras frequently mention devas, indras, asuras and other heavenly beings. this being so, it's not uncommon to hear the claim such examples amount to cultural baggage which Buddhadharma has aquired since early times in its history and at the extreme end of the debate the implication that one of the great tasks facing Buddhadharma in the West is to purge it altogether of these "superstitions".
the Kalama Sutta has become an oft quoted favourite to support the arguement that Buddhism favours an approach where if what is read or heard does not sit with one's own experience (or in some cases, one's preference) then one must dismiss it altogether and carry on regardless. but we need only read Ven. Thanissaro Bhikkhu's introduction to the sutta to see that this is a mistaken interpretation -
many new to Buddhism have left behind their Christian faith (such as i myself) and in certain cases this "conversion" has created some tension between themselves and their family members. part of the appeal perhaps of Buddhism, are the radical differences - rebirth, not-self, emptiness, enlightenment and so on and so forth. and thus anything within Buddhadharma that appears even remotely similar to the religion they have come from, or even religion in itself, appears to threaten the sense of conversion to a radically different way of seeing the world which they have just begun to undertake.
so we will sometimes hear either blatently or subtly, an attack on their old outlooks and faith. a derision and perhaps a certain sense of anger directed to that which they have turned away from. and its at this point that i realise i have not always been so exempt from such a tendency. but i believe that in order to let go then we need to stop being so angry and upset at our religious pasts, stop being so derisive, halt in some cases our desire to outright attack them and instead turn back and face them.
we need not fear that in doing this we somehow betray our refuge. facing is not to be taken as agreeing with or re-converting. i prefer to see this "turning around", a process that i am beginning with baby-steps to undertake, as a way of making peace with our past. a way of dropping the anger, dropping the resentment and learning to appreciate rather than shun our religious histories, whatever they may be.
when i think of the encouragement and curiousity my own mother, an evangelical christian, has displayed towards the Dharma path i have undertaken then i realise the depths of the selfless love she has for me. a love that makes her say yes to coming with me to Three Wheels, a love makes her encourage me to attend Chomon, a love that makes her sit and listen with interest and i read to her from Kiyozawa's diary. but i can not say that i have been so encouraging or curious to engage with and share in her own path. and i think this speaks back to the anger i spoke of earlier, an anger that in my own case is unfounded, has no basis, an anger that is selfish.
and so i am learning to turn around. i no longer want to harbour this purposeless anger. i want to make peace with and understand my religious history and i want to share in my mothers own path with the same interest, curiosity, encouragement and above all love that she has displayed for me on mine. and so i look forward to, in the not too distant future, picking up some Meister Eckhart, some Thomas A Kempis and other works of the christian mystics and reading and discussing them with her. it's a small start - baby-steps.
in the words of the Dhammapada - let a man conquer anger by love. may these words, my mother's love for me and mine for her and Amida Buddha's Infinite Light guide me through this undertaking, step by step.
namu amida butsu
it's stating the obvious to say that Buddhadharma is still relatively new to the West and i think many like myself come to it with a certain amount of religious baggage and quite probably several misconceptions too.
even mentioning Buddhism and religion in the same breath will sometimes bring up waves of protest and subsequent debate that the former can't be classed as the latter. along similar lines some will say that the concept of God is entirely absent within Buddhism, and while this may be true in the sense of an almighty Alpha and Omega, the suttas and sutras frequently mention devas, indras, asuras and other heavenly beings. this being so, it's not uncommon to hear the claim such examples amount to cultural baggage which Buddhadharma has aquired since early times in its history and at the extreme end of the debate the implication that one of the great tasks facing Buddhadharma in the West is to purge it altogether of these "superstitions".
the Kalama Sutta has become an oft quoted favourite to support the arguement that Buddhism favours an approach where if what is read or heard does not sit with one's own experience (or in some cases, one's preference) then one must dismiss it altogether and carry on regardless. but we need only read Ven. Thanissaro Bhikkhu's introduction to the sutta to see that this is a mistaken interpretation -
Although this discourse is often cited as the Buddha's carte blanche for following one's own sense of right and wrong, it actually says something much more rigorous than that. Traditions are not to be followed simply because they are traditions. Reports (such as historical accounts or news) are not to be followed simply because the source seems reliable. One's own preferences are not to be followed simply because they seem logical or resonate with one's feelings. Instead, any view or belief must be tested by the results it yields when put into practice; and — to guard against the possibility of any bias or limitations in one's understanding of those results — they must further be checked against the experience of people who are wise. The ability to question and test one's beliefs in an appropriate way is called appropriate attention. The ability to recognize and choose wise people as mentors is called having admirable friends
judging by the above comments i have often observed an acceptance of and agreement with - Instead, any view or belief must be tested by the results it yields when put into practice - but an inconsideration of - and — to guard against the possibility of any bias or limitations in one's understanding of those results — they must further be checked against the experience of people who are wise.ofcourse i am making generalisations here and certainly don't claim to speak for all Western Buddhists, none the less i do believe there is some validity in the observation.
judging by the above comments i have often observed an acceptance of and agreement with - Instead, any view or belief must be tested by the results it yields when put into practice - but an inconsideration of - and — to guard against the possibility of any bias or limitations in one's understanding of those results — they must further be checked against the experience of people who are wise.ofcourse i am making generalisations here and certainly don't claim to speak for all Western Buddhists, none the less i do believe there is some validity in the observation.
many new to Buddhism have left behind their Christian faith (such as i myself) and in certain cases this "conversion" has created some tension between themselves and their family members. part of the appeal perhaps of Buddhism, are the radical differences - rebirth, not-self, emptiness, enlightenment and so on and so forth. and thus anything within Buddhadharma that appears even remotely similar to the religion they have come from, or even religion in itself, appears to threaten the sense of conversion to a radically different way of seeing the world which they have just begun to undertake.
so we will sometimes hear either blatently or subtly, an attack on their old outlooks and faith. a derision and perhaps a certain sense of anger directed to that which they have turned away from. and its at this point that i realise i have not always been so exempt from such a tendency. but i believe that in order to let go then we need to stop being so angry and upset at our religious pasts, stop being so derisive, halt in some cases our desire to outright attack them and instead turn back and face them.
we need not fear that in doing this we somehow betray our refuge. facing is not to be taken as agreeing with or re-converting. i prefer to see this "turning around", a process that i am beginning with baby-steps to undertake, as a way of making peace with our past. a way of dropping the anger, dropping the resentment and learning to appreciate rather than shun our religious histories, whatever they may be.
when i think of the encouragement and curiousity my own mother, an evangelical christian, has displayed towards the Dharma path i have undertaken then i realise the depths of the selfless love she has for me. a love that makes her say yes to coming with me to Three Wheels, a love makes her encourage me to attend Chomon, a love that makes her sit and listen with interest and i read to her from Kiyozawa's diary. but i can not say that i have been so encouraging or curious to engage with and share in her own path. and i think this speaks back to the anger i spoke of earlier, an anger that in my own case is unfounded, has no basis, an anger that is selfish.
and so i am learning to turn around. i no longer want to harbour this purposeless anger. i want to make peace with and understand my religious history and i want to share in my mothers own path with the same interest, curiosity, encouragement and above all love that she has displayed for me on mine. and so i look forward to, in the not too distant future, picking up some Meister Eckhart, some Thomas A Kempis and other works of the christian mystics and reading and discussing them with her. it's a small start - baby-steps.
in the words of the Dhammapada - let a man conquer anger by love. may these words, my mother's love for me and mine for her and Amida Buddha's Infinite Light guide me through this undertaking, step by step.
namu amida butsu
Saturday, 31 October 2009
The Human Body - a Cage of Suffering or a Precious Gift?
my first night back at work last week after having spent a precious fortnight visiting family and attending Shokai. i walked through the door to immediately hear the unfortunate news that several colleagues have contracted swine flu. now, i could go into detail about how the swine flu pandemic is a convenient excuse employed by government and media to re-affirm and strengthen the culture of moral panic and fear we live in (don't forget to check under the bed for any terrorists hiding there before you turn out the light) but that's not really the issue i want to reflect on here and further, i think it'd be a tad insensitive of me to do so given this news.
instead, i want to address the view of the human body found in the Buddha's teachings and how this view can be verified in real-life encounters and experiences. let's start by looking at what the Sutta Pitaka has to say. in the Saccavibhanga Sutta, Sariputta gives a detailed step by step analysis of the four noble truths, beginning with the truth of dukkha. for the purpose of the discussion at hand i'd like to focus on two ways in which we experience this suffering which Venerable Sariputta highlights for us -
- MN 141, Saccavibhanga Sutta: An Analysis of the Truths
it doesn't paint a pretty picture does it? but as long as we have these bodies then we are subject to both pain and aging. i think of my work friends lying in bed at home, in pain and discomfort and am reminded of the many times i have been ill - the headaches, the difficulty breathing, the temperatures, the pain in ones' throat, the vomiting, the nausea, the loss of sleep, the feeling of exhaustion.
and again, it may seem premature to consider aging at the (relatively!) young age of 29 but the fact of the matter is, from the minute we come into this life we begin to age. the stark reality of this hit home in a particularly forceful manner earlier last week as i was asked to help one of the nurses bathe a patient at the hospice i volunteer at. seeing the frailness of this patient's body, the complete dependency on others to help with what we take so often for granted as such a simple act of washing oneself reminded me that it is a real possibility i too may one day rely on others to perform this and other everyday tasks for me, just as i did during my first years of life.
but if all this seems to portray the human body as a purely negative source of constant affliction and suffering then i can't help but feel we're missing an important point somewhere. this point revealed itself to me in a very implicit way whilst reciting the nembutsu yesterday. but before we get to that, let's go back to the sutta and look at what Sakyamuni has to say about Sariputta -
now it's not my intention to clarify the intent in such a comparison, i believe the Buddha's meaning is readily apparent here. rather, to focuss on the implications of such an image for the discussion at hand. consider those words - like the mother giving birth. much as our human bodies are a source of suffering they are also the precious gift bestowed to us by our parents. how can something that causes us pain, withers and eventually dies be seen as such? it is simply this - as the nembutsu came from my lips, as i bowed my head to the floor before the Buddha i was made aware that without this body i had been given by my parents i would not be able to perform such acts. i would not be able to hear the Dharma, read the Dharma, discuss the Dharma or praise the Dharma. Sariputta, if not for his parents would not have been able to clarify the Buddha's teachings.
didn't Sakyamuni also tell us that this human birth was rare? that it provided the best opportunity to practice Dharma? don't we owe our very ability to practice to our parents? and this is why, although it may be a cage for our suffering it is also a precious gift, a gift because it is freely given and precious because the Buddhadharma is immeasurable in value, both to oneself and to others around oneself.
don't we have a duty then to look after and care for this gift? shamefully, when i consider all that i've done to this body of mine and all that i've used it for, i see how little i've valued the boundless kindness of my parents. i've put intoxicants into it, junk food into it, denied it the rest it's badly needed. i've used it to utter harsh words or spread gossip or lie.
it is not just that this body is a precious gift but that in order for it to be given, ones' mother must put herself through an incredible amount of physical pain that even ends sometimes in, well let's be honest about it - tragedy. no, in fact let's be frank about it - death. lest we forget, Sakyamuni's own mother Maya laid down her life in giving birth to him.
clearly then, this is not a gift to be taken lightly, handled roughly and abused and mistreated at ones' own selfish leisure. how can we ever begin to repay this debt, if indeed we can at all? well, i believe the answer is there in that last quote - simply put, to continue to practice Buddhadharma. in the case of Sariputta it was to teach and lead fellow aspirants to stream-entry. but one may well, as a lay-person, feel a twinge of apprehension at such a lofty goal (i mean, come on Jon! we're talking about Sariputta here!). but practice is not limited exclusively to this worthy objective. one day our parents will grow old, their bodies become increasingly frail and their dependency on their children to return the love and compassion they have given them throughout their lives by helping them bathe, walk, provide clothing and food increase. such love and compassion returned is this practice. and although we can never hope to fully repay what they have done for us during our lives, this care is our means of acknowledging and respecting it.
ofcourse, i've only touched briefly and limitedly on the issue and certainly the practice of Buddhadharma is much more than just caring for one's parents. and this care and love we return to them should not be put off or postponed until their old age, rather it is a life long practice. similarly, we are not indebted exclusively, and neither should our compassion be limited to, them. it is much, much greater than that. and, with this point in mind i would like to close with a quote from the Tannisho which really illustrates how far this debt extends and provides much more to consider -
"As for me, Shinran, I have never said the nembutsu even once for the repose of my departed father and mother. For all sentient beings, without exception, have been our parents and brothers and sisters in the course of countless lives in the many states of existence. On attaining Buddhahood after this present life, we can save every one of them.
- Tannisho Ch. 5
namu amida butsu
instead, i want to address the view of the human body found in the Buddha's teachings and how this view can be verified in real-life encounters and experiences. let's start by looking at what the Sutta Pitaka has to say. in the Saccavibhanga Sutta, Sariputta gives a detailed step by step analysis of the four noble truths, beginning with the truth of dukkha. for the purpose of the discussion at hand i'd like to focus on two ways in which we experience this suffering which Venerable Sariputta highlights for us -
"And what is aging? Whatever aging, decrepitude, brokenness, graying, wrinkling, decline of life-force, weakening of the faculties of the various beings in this or that group of beings, that is called aging.
[...]
"And what is pain? Whatever is experienced as bodily pain, bodily discomfort, pain or discomfort born of bodily contact, that is called pain."
- MN 141, Saccavibhanga Sutta: An Analysis of the Truths
it doesn't paint a pretty picture does it? but as long as we have these bodies then we are subject to both pain and aging. i think of my work friends lying in bed at home, in pain and discomfort and am reminded of the many times i have been ill - the headaches, the difficulty breathing, the temperatures, the pain in ones' throat, the vomiting, the nausea, the loss of sleep, the feeling of exhaustion.
and again, it may seem premature to consider aging at the (relatively!) young age of 29 but the fact of the matter is, from the minute we come into this life we begin to age. the stark reality of this hit home in a particularly forceful manner earlier last week as i was asked to help one of the nurses bathe a patient at the hospice i volunteer at. seeing the frailness of this patient's body, the complete dependency on others to help with what we take so often for granted as such a simple act of washing oneself reminded me that it is a real possibility i too may one day rely on others to perform this and other everyday tasks for me, just as i did during my first years of life.
but if all this seems to portray the human body as a purely negative source of constant affliction and suffering then i can't help but feel we're missing an important point somewhere. this point revealed itself to me in a very implicit way whilst reciting the nembutsu yesterday. but before we get to that, let's go back to the sutta and look at what Sakyamuni has to say about Sariputta -
" Like the mother giving birth: That's Sariputta. [...] Sariputta trains [others] to the fruit of stream-entry; [...] Sariputta is capable of declaring, teaching, describing, setting forth, revealing, explaining, and making plain the four noble truths in detail."
now it's not my intention to clarify the intent in such a comparison, i believe the Buddha's meaning is readily apparent here. rather, to focuss on the implications of such an image for the discussion at hand. consider those words - like the mother giving birth. much as our human bodies are a source of suffering they are also the precious gift bestowed to us by our parents. how can something that causes us pain, withers and eventually dies be seen as such? it is simply this - as the nembutsu came from my lips, as i bowed my head to the floor before the Buddha i was made aware that without this body i had been given by my parents i would not be able to perform such acts. i would not be able to hear the Dharma, read the Dharma, discuss the Dharma or praise the Dharma. Sariputta, if not for his parents would not have been able to clarify the Buddha's teachings.
didn't Sakyamuni also tell us that this human birth was rare? that it provided the best opportunity to practice Dharma? don't we owe our very ability to practice to our parents? and this is why, although it may be a cage for our suffering it is also a precious gift, a gift because it is freely given and precious because the Buddhadharma is immeasurable in value, both to oneself and to others around oneself.
don't we have a duty then to look after and care for this gift? shamefully, when i consider all that i've done to this body of mine and all that i've used it for, i see how little i've valued the boundless kindness of my parents. i've put intoxicants into it, junk food into it, denied it the rest it's badly needed. i've used it to utter harsh words or spread gossip or lie.
it is not just that this body is a precious gift but that in order for it to be given, ones' mother must put herself through an incredible amount of physical pain that even ends sometimes in, well let's be honest about it - tragedy. no, in fact let's be frank about it - death. lest we forget, Sakyamuni's own mother Maya laid down her life in giving birth to him.
clearly then, this is not a gift to be taken lightly, handled roughly and abused and mistreated at ones' own selfish leisure. how can we ever begin to repay this debt, if indeed we can at all? well, i believe the answer is there in that last quote - simply put, to continue to practice Buddhadharma. in the case of Sariputta it was to teach and lead fellow aspirants to stream-entry. but one may well, as a lay-person, feel a twinge of apprehension at such a lofty goal (i mean, come on Jon! we're talking about Sariputta here!). but practice is not limited exclusively to this worthy objective. one day our parents will grow old, their bodies become increasingly frail and their dependency on their children to return the love and compassion they have given them throughout their lives by helping them bathe, walk, provide clothing and food increase. such love and compassion returned is this practice. and although we can never hope to fully repay what they have done for us during our lives, this care is our means of acknowledging and respecting it.
ofcourse, i've only touched briefly and limitedly on the issue and certainly the practice of Buddhadharma is much more than just caring for one's parents. and this care and love we return to them should not be put off or postponed until their old age, rather it is a life long practice. similarly, we are not indebted exclusively, and neither should our compassion be limited to, them. it is much, much greater than that. and, with this point in mind i would like to close with a quote from the Tannisho which really illustrates how far this debt extends and provides much more to consider -
"As for me, Shinran, I have never said the nembutsu even once for the repose of my departed father and mother. For all sentient beings, without exception, have been our parents and brothers and sisters in the course of countless lives in the many states of existence. On attaining Buddhahood after this present life, we can save every one of them.
Were saying the nembutsu indeed a good act in which I strove through my own powers, then I might direct the merit thus gained towards saving my father and mother. But this is not the case.
If, however, simply abandoning self-power, we quickly attain enlightenment in the Pure Land, we will be able to save, by means of transcendent powers, first those with whom we have close karmic relations, whatever karmic suffering they may have sunk to in the six realms through the four modes of birth."
- Tannisho Ch. 5
namu amida butsu
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