on a wing and a prayer...

prayer's a rather problematic topic for me, one that nonetheless seems insistent on raising its awkward little head and butting into my thoughts. it's a word that can be multifaceted in interpretation and meaning but i hazard a guess that the most immediate or apparant image which springs to mind is asking for something from some bearded guy way up in the sky.

this example is aka petitionary. it doesn't have to be a bearded guy of course, it can just as well be a blue-faced dude or a green lady springing from a lotus but the point is we're requesting something for ourselves, be it material or otherwise. and i have a huge problem with it.

another example, related to the first is when we ask on someone else's behalf (aka intercessory). this is slightly less problematic for me but only slightly (and something i grappled with last year)

then it seems that we come to prayer as introspective and contemplative. here i feel on more solid ground because the thing which causes all the problems for me - the act of petition - appears largely absent in this space.

in fact, if petitionary can be viewed as an attempt at establishing control over a given situation, then contemplative is perhaps happier to rest in and make peace with the helplessness of the self....maybe i'm (inevitably) bringing my own bias to the table but at the very least i feel it is more a manner of listening than, as with the former, of attempting to make oneself heard.

one thing is certain, that prayer seems to feature in one way or another in all religions, be they folk or organised. and both petitionary and contemplative/devotional strands appear common. Buddhism isn't the exception either. and as regards the petitionary angle it oftens seems to have the added dimension of voicing aspiration, eg. the Patrul Rinpoche quote i began my last post with (although, this aspect certainly needn't be exclusive to Buddhism, eg. - "Lord, help me to love my enemies"). Actually, that quote is interesting for me to consider as here we have an admission of our wretchedness coupled with an extremely selfless request.

nonetheless though, however selfless such a petition may be, i can't shake the feeling that petition by its nature is founded on the assumption that we know what is best for ourselves (and for others). and in the instant of our voicing we establish an expectation not only of answer, but means by which such request is answered.

in light of all these concerns i have, i'd be most interested in hearing how friends in other traditions, particularly ones in which prayer forms a central part of practice (and not necessarily limited to the scope of Buddhist either - the more the merrier) view the matter - do you ever share the same doubts and concerns? do you view prayer in a different light to those i've mentioned? what form does prayer take for you (as i'm well aware there are many more than the few examples i provide)? need prayer even require a recipient?

in expectation of responses, i'll round up with a quote from that Great American Soul Thoreau, whose words on the matter paticularly resonate with me and appear to open up new vistas - your daily life should be your prayer.

namu amida butsu

the futility of jiriki

two weeks ago my Grandmother died and last thursday i found myself standing over her coffin with my mother, in the viewing room of the funeral parlour, hours before her funeral. i'd seen her a month prior to this, as she lay in a hospital bed, scared and confused, the life slowly draining away from her, quite visible to see by the change in her physical appearance.
in the last ten years or so of her life she had shown all the natural signs of old age - chiefly through her physical frailty and incapacity, yet she'd always displayed a sense of strong will and independence. seeing her vulnerability then, came as a shock. i guess my main feeling at that point was one of complete and utter helplessness, of which we'll come to in a minute.
stood over her corpse, i found myself questioning the value in dressing her up like that - a little make-up, a favourite turqoise dress, it somehow felt dishonest. however, i think it may have been some comfort to my mother, who more than any of us felt the pain of seeing her physical deteriation.

sat through the funeral i felt perhaps as if i could grieve for the first time. nonetheless, it set off all kinds of questions inside me, mainly concerning this issue of helplessness, some of which i'll try now to lay out...

i think these questions were amplified during the ceremony by a sense of disparity felt between my own religious tradition and that of my mothers' and sisters'. although the words spoken by the priest were very moving and resonated to an extent despite this disparity, i found myself with a nagging sense of what was left unsaid rather than what wasn't. my Grandmother wasn't particularly religious and therefore there's no need to state where she's headed for according to most Christian thought. similarly, where she might be headed according to Buddhist thought is no less comforting, the only difference (one of temporality), providing scant comfort.
and this is what causes the biggest feeling of helplessness inside me. for a long time now i've come to question not so much the efficiency of petitionary prayer (although that as well) but it's value and purport. the desire to petition a Buddha or God for my Grandmother's salvation or favourable rebirth - is it really a desire to find comfort through asserting some kind of imagined control over the situation for myself? If a Buddha is infinite in wisdom and compassion and i lack even small compassion and wisdom, then what makes me think i have a right to suggest to them a course of action to take? the very thought of such an act makes me uncomfortable as it feels like an actively willed denial of the way things are and will be.

none the less, i did find myself wanting to do precisely this petitioning after seeing her in hospital. and i still haven't and i don't think i will. all i can do is continue to thank her for giving me this last teaching on impermanence and the futility of jiriki, and say the nembutsu in gratitude for Amida's practice which ensures that one day we will meet again in the Pure Land.

namu amida butsu