receiving

several friends and family are undergoing or about to undergo retreat over the next few weeks and having recently returned myself, this makes me very happy to hear.

getting back to "the real world" here in Hull is proving, perhaps inevitably, to be a bit bumpy post-Chomon. i am after all, still very much the same person with the same hang-ups and delusions.

i guess there's a danger if we enter into something such as retreat with the idea of achieving or accomplishing. of course, that's the kind of goal-orientated society we live in so it's not hard to see why it frequently permeates all aspects of our lives, from social interactions and recreational pursuits to yes, spiritual ones. but if that's the frame of mind we have prior to retreat then it may come as a shock, once back in the saha world, back to work, back to pleasure, back to same old habits to realise how little we've changed!

looking back over my time across in Japan with the benefit that a few weeks can bring, i see a process not of achieving anything through my own efforts but instead, and this may come as no surprise to fellow nembutsu followers, always receiving from Other. and i think holding this experience in mind is helping me now as i settle unsteadily back into the grind. there's always a firm tendency to wish to bring about solutions to any problems we encounter but i'm beginning to feel i should instead, calmy be aware of what the problem or problems faced are showing me.because they're none other than my own nature. the same nature that receives Amida's embrace.

namu amida butsu

The Third Jewel

just returned from a great weekend spent with family (my niece's first birthday - where'd the time go?) and samgha. this visit to Three Wheels felt particularly special for several reasons. firstly, my mother was able to attend with me and it made me so happy for her to be glad to share in this fundamental part of my life, meet my Sensei and close Dharma friends and gain a better insight into my path in Shin Buddhism. i was deeply touched by the warmth extended to her, that same sense of welcome i encounter each time the door of Three Wheels is opened to me and i am met by smiling faces. namu amida butsu. secondly, the talk given Rev Kenshin Ishii, regarding the subject 'a good teacher' i found incredibly moving and caused me to appreciate even more my own good fortune in encountering Sensei and the samgha of Three Wheels. i can't really adequately put into words my feelings as regards this....so much has happened over the course of the year that i feel hugely indebted to everyone and firmly embraced in the light and compassion of Other-power.

i wanted to just very quickly comment on the aforementioned subject of 'a good teacher'. i remember when i first came to Buddhadharma and i would read all these wonderful personal accounts of followers' appreciation for their teachers and samghas. truth is, at that time reading such words felt like picking at an open wound. the abscence of a teacher in my own practice and path was keenly felt and each time i recited the three refuges, my heart would sigh a little as i came to the words "i go for refuge to samgha". it's a hard path treading the Dharma alone (of course, it is frequently hard regardless but how much more so without a good teacher)...perhaps not impossible but certainly i feel beyond my limited scope. and so i sympathise with all those yet to encounter their teacher, yet to find a sangha and can only really say i've been there too, as have many others, we know what it's like so please do not be discouraged.

at the same time though, there is quite a tendency in today's age to adopt an attitude of go-it-alone, rough-it-out stoicness. quiet a few of my non-buddhist friends who have shown a curiousity to my path have asked why, if the Buddha had no teachers (a not entirely correct assumption) should we then follow his teachings and subsequently seek out a teacher/master/guru for help and guidance? i can't but wonder though, whether this line of questioning, maybe on a subtle and not immediately apparent level is just another of oh-so-many mechanisms set up by our ego sense of self when it encounters a teaching that threatens to loosen its stranglehold - "if i am going to seek freedom from ego-attachment, then i am going to do it by myself, my own way"? in that sense we can then settle into the nice and comforting illusion of loosening the stranglehold, all the while merely re-inforcing and strengthening it.

regardless, when we are led to encounter the compassion of Buddhadharma then we can't help but feel a huge sense of shame at how petty and foolish these self-calculating mechanisms we've set in place for ourselves really are. and at the same we realise how indebted to everyone and everything around us we are. how dependent we are on something infinitely greater than our small sense of self. at these times we are made to realise how truly precious and valuable a good teacher and Dharma friends are and enabled all the more to turn for refuge to Buddha, Dharma and Samgha with a renewed sincerity and clarity.

namu amida butsu

Some Pre- Chomon Reflections

it's little over two months now until i take my first flight to Japan in order to undergo Chomon at Shogyoji. to be honest, the whole thing still doesn't appear quite real to me yet. sure i am nervous but in much the same way as i would be visiting any country for the first time, that is to say it doesn't feel like a nervousness based upon the actual purpose of my going.

i was told that it's possible i may hit a low point before going and question whether i should or wonder what the hell i've let myself in for but to just ride it out and not be afraid of voicing these fears to my Sensei and Dharma friends. well, that doesn't seem to have happened as of yet. perhaps it will as the time grows nearer. perhaps it won't.

discussing with a good Dharma friend and teacher the relationship i have with my parents, he commented that he felt my Chomon had already begun. certainly post- Shokai there has been a sense of introspection on my part, brought about chiefly by hearing others moving reflections on their own relationships. and i know that i am indebted to them for this. namu amida butsu.

the other thing that has been bearing down on my mind pre- and post- Shokkai is what it means to make Buddhadharma the fundamental point or driving force in one's life.  i feel this is a very important question but it's not one that necessarily throws up easy answers in the context of Jodo Shinshu (and quite likely in other traditions also, though i can't speak from experience as regards them) and the more i consider it the more related questions appear and the more the desire to realise what it means grows.

we hear the admonishment to make Buddhadharma the central focus of life repeatedly in Rennyo's teachings and those his students, for example -

"If you are too much absorbed in secular matters without having shinjin, hell comes closer to you day by day. When the result of too much absorption in secular matters becomes evident, you will find hell nearby. Outward appearances do not indicate whether or not one has shinjin. Do not assume that you will live long. Instead think only that you have this day to live."

(article 66, Goichidaiki kikigaki)


and again -

 

"You should remember that whatever you do for the Buddhadharma is an awesome thing. Be very careful about everything.

There is no tomorrow for the Buddhadharma. Lose no time in matters concerning it"

(article 102)

...but there is the constant risk of reliance on one's own efforts at the expense of tariki. and then comes the whole self-/Other-power paradox - namely that to conscientiously let go of one's own effort really amounts to nothing more than a re-inforcement of it. one could raise Saichi's famous wasan at this point -

There is no self-power

There is no other-power

All is Other-power

Namu amida butsu

but i feel that any honesty in those words is born out of the realisation of shinjin and not prior to it. otherwise it would be all to easy to say "hey, i'll mix up some tonglen, zazen, mantras and mudras and earnestly practice them to strive for liberation but it's okay! it's all Other-power!" - dishonest to oneself.

so clearly - lying back and chilling out  isn't the option. neither is concerted, self-conscious effort. neither is dismissal of or ignoring the question.... tricky tricky. i'll leave this chain of thought there for the time being. more than likely i'll come back to it shortly.

namu amida butsu