unfathomable depths

one of the many pitfalls of any given path is that of complacency. this might manifest in such a readily acknowledgeable form as "put it off until tomorrow" syndrome or it may linger beneath the surface in a subtler manner.

a few nights ago, i was discussing with my Dharma mother our respective Chomon experiences. two significant steps foward during introspection are the awareness of how much suffering (knowing or unknowingly) we put those who love us through and the infinite compassion and support we have received from them in spite of such. the key thing is - although such awareness is the turning point to our taking refuge in Amida, we also know that what we are seeing is the mere tip of the iceberg - our blind passions are so deep, and the compassion so infinite that we can never fathom their depths. realising such is an extremely humbling thought.

talking through all this, she then told me that when she says the nembutsu it is not only for the compassion she is aware of having received but for all those infinite, endless examples of love and support which lie under the surface waters of our obscured by blind passions awareness. the ones we never know, never realise, never could know.

during otsutome the following morning it felt as if with each nembutsu the doors had opened wider and with deep shame i offered each syllable in gratitude, not only for all i can recall of what has been done for me, but all the infinite, endless, unfathomable depths of compassion i have received from Other.

namu amida butsu

the futility of jiriki

two weeks ago my Grandmother died and last thursday i found myself standing over her coffin with my mother, in the viewing room of the funeral parlour, hours before her funeral. i'd seen her a month prior to this, as she lay in a hospital bed, scared and confused, the life slowly draining away from her, quite visible to see by the change in her physical appearance.
in the last ten years or so of her life she had shown all the natural signs of old age - chiefly through her physical frailty and incapacity, yet she'd always displayed a sense of strong will and independence. seeing her vulnerability then, came as a shock. i guess my main feeling at that point was one of complete and utter helplessness, of which we'll come to in a minute.
stood over her corpse, i found myself questioning the value in dressing her up like that - a little make-up, a favourite turqoise dress, it somehow felt dishonest. however, i think it may have been some comfort to my mother, who more than any of us felt the pain of seeing her physical deteriation.

sat through the funeral i felt perhaps as if i could grieve for the first time. nonetheless, it set off all kinds of questions inside me, mainly concerning this issue of helplessness, some of which i'll try now to lay out...

i think these questions were amplified during the ceremony by a sense of disparity felt between my own religious tradition and that of my mothers' and sisters'. although the words spoken by the priest were very moving and resonated to an extent despite this disparity, i found myself with a nagging sense of what was left unsaid rather than what wasn't. my Grandmother wasn't particularly religious and therefore there's no need to state where she's headed for according to most Christian thought. similarly, where she might be headed according to Buddhist thought is no less comforting, the only difference (one of temporality), providing scant comfort.
and this is what causes the biggest feeling of helplessness inside me. for a long time now i've come to question not so much the efficiency of petitionary prayer (although that as well) but it's value and purport. the desire to petition a Buddha or God for my Grandmother's salvation or favourable rebirth - is it really a desire to find comfort through asserting some kind of imagined control over the situation for myself? If a Buddha is infinite in wisdom and compassion and i lack even small compassion and wisdom, then what makes me think i have a right to suggest to them a course of action to take? the very thought of such an act makes me uncomfortable as it feels like an actively willed denial of the way things are and will be.

none the less, i did find myself wanting to do precisely this petitioning after seeing her in hospital. and i still haven't and i don't think i will. all i can do is continue to thank her for giving me this last teaching on impermanence and the futility of jiriki, and say the nembutsu in gratitude for Amida's practice which ensures that one day we will meet again in the Pure Land.

namu amida butsu

anger and the nembutsu

Taitetsu Unno in River of Fire, River of Water tells a wonderful story about his grandmother, a devout nembutsu-sha. answering a call one afternoon, the young Taitetsu hears her arguing angrily with a gentleman on the doorstep. after a while the door slams shut and his grandmother returns "huffing and puffing". the man in question, it transpires, goes around conning the elderly out of their money. she is furious and calls him a beast (perhaps the worst insult in Japanese, with its lack of profanity). what happens next though is that namu amida butsu immediately spills from her lips. the story can be found on p.176 for those interested, i only provide a shoddy re-telling as it raises something that's been on my mind for a week or two now.

it's easy to be grateful when happy or even when sad, then quiet naturally the nembutsu finds itself on my lips. but in the heat of the moment, when coming up against a person who annoys or infuriates me (and really just serves as a mirror for my own blind passions) then the mind of thankfulness for the Vow is seemingly nowhere to be found. Amida appears as far away from me as can be.

but really, i guess that's why they're called blind passions because of course - My eyes being hindered by blind passions, I cannot perceive the light that grasps me; Yet the great compassion, without tiring, Illumines me always.

always. and it's that same great compassion that allows me to acknowledge my anger, even if sometimes long after it has subsided, say "sorry" and move forward, entrusting all - happiness, sadness and yes, anger - to Amida.

namu amida butsu

the seventeenth vow

i spent christmas day alone. often when someone hears this i get a response of surprise or sympathy. it's not as bad as it sounds - for the past few years i've spent the run up to the day itself visiting friends and loved ones and having lots of little "mini-xmas" celebrations. then i work through the night during the main holidays.

but in a way, it's not entirely true to say i spent christmas day alone. and this isn't a conclusion i reached through my own deduction.

i always enjoy chanting the nembutsu wasan. i can't say i manage to mirror the rythms or tones when doing this alone as opposed to with the samgha but nonetheless my mind is often made to calm and settle reciting it.

it was during this time on xmas day that quite unexpectedly a surge of joy sprang up in my heart as i continued to chant....namu amida bu, namu amida bu.... my mind turned to reflect on my walking the path of Buddhadharma through all these years and memories old and new of friends and loved ones arose with vivid clarity. a deep sense of gratitude for all that has been done for me and the feeling that all these loved ones were knelt by my side at that moment enveloped me.

so i can not say that i was alone. it just isn't true.

and this in turn has got me to thinking about the  haiku by Bassho. picture the scene - stood at the edge of Japan, where the land runs into the sea. snow falls silently and all is still, as if the whole world is holding its breath. suddenly, the cry of wild duck shatters the silence. the poet is reminded that he is not alone.

it doesn't take a huge leap to see the cry of the wild duck as the call of the nembutsu, reaching out across the darkening sea of our hearts, always letting us know that Amida is there embracing us. reminding us we are not alone.

namu amida butsu

"...there is nothing that is not the nembutsu"

Among all living things

mountains and rivers,

grasses and trees,

even the sounds of blowing winds

and rising waves -

there is nothing

that is not the nembutsu

- Ippen

during Shokai, while viewing the beautiful slides of Shogyoji a visiting priest kindly brought with him to show us all, a good dharma friend exclaimed to me how easy it is to miss the beauty that is all around us. as pictures of lotus flowers, dry river-beds and trees wearing their autumn foliage, all set against the back drop of the temple appeared on the screen i got to thinking how busy and occupied we let our minds become and how much as a consequence, we miss. (note - the following are my own photos and in no way compare to how beautiful those of the temple were to see)

i've always loved the above waka by Ippen since the moment i first came across it but i feel much as i cherish it there is a danger upon reading of mistaking the nembutsu for some kind of pantheistic life force (certainly a danger i have come across in my own understanding frequently). and admittedly, my understanding of the complex doctrine of sunyata is a shallow one but it seems that, if we spend our time searching for the nembutsu in something, then we miss its calling us. a tree is just a tree, a mountain just a mountain, a rising wave just a rising wave - none of them require us to look for or discover some inherent essence lying inside them in order for them to retain their wonder and meaning.

 

but how often, as my dharma friend mentioned, do we miss what is right infront of us? i think of the times my mind has shamefully wandered during otsutome, or as i've recited the nembutsu or even, despite my best efforts, during a dharma talk by friends and teachers at Three Wheels. is it any surprise then that if, even during times we would wish our minds to be calm and receptive they swing about from branch to branch, we miss out on the beauty and wonder that surrounds us each and every day?

nonetheless, i find myself asking - does a tree require my noticing it in order for it to be? or again, does a mountain? a rising wave? similarly, the nembutsu is working all the time...it has been calling us even before we came into this life and it is precisely because our minds are unsettled and clouded over that such a Vow as its cause was pledged by Dharmakara.

 

of course, it would be wrong of me to say therefore that it's perfectly okay to just lie back and let the mind drift along chasing concern after concern. no, certainly it's right to want to focus and approach otsutome, nembutsu recitation and hearing the Dharma with the respect they deserve. but believing that Amida's compassion will somehow fail in its working if i can't attain constant, undivided focus is really just so much noise and jiriki.

namu amida butsu 

 

Bowing before the Buddha

..this morning before my daily otsutome i had all kinds of thoughts running through my mind, like a monkey swinging from branch to branch (admittedly, most likely brought about by a high caffiene intake!)... but when i bowed before the Buddha it was as if suddenly all these thoughts, worries, concerns were held in the compassionate embrace of the Tathagata. i felt an openness in which to recite the sutras and chant the Name with a clear and focussed awareness of this embrace. an awareness that came quite spontaneously and unexpectedly. reflecting on this experience i am reminded of words read recently from Three Wheels site -

"It is not that one bows to the Buddha having come to understand his teaching but that one comes to understand his teaching through actually bowing to the Buddha."

- Three Wheels

namu amida butsu