The Limitations of Self

"It is not  simply due to  actual benefit that I trust in Tathagata, but also due to another important reason. I trust in Tathagata because I realise that my intellect is limited. Except for the period when I was not  serious about life, Ialways felt a keen desire to enquire into the meaning of my life. As a result of that enquiry, I eventuallly reached the conclusion that the meaning of life is inscrutable. That conclusion has led me to trust in Tathagata. Since not everyone goes through a process of enquiry to arrive at religious conviction, some might contradict me  and say that it was not necessary for me to do what I did in order to gain trust in Tathagata. But I disagree. Such a course was necessary for me. In my religious conviction I am now aware of the utter uselessness of my self-efforts. In order to realise this I had to pursue all  kinds of intellectual investigations until I finally came to the point where I recognised the utter futility of such efforts. It was an extremely painful process. Before reaching that ultimate point, I thought that at times I had formed some ideas about my religious conviction. but one after another each of those ideas were smashed.Such bitter experiences were unaviodable as long as I sought to establish religious conviction on the basis of logic or scholarly enquiry. After going through such a difficult process, I have come to realise that I cannot define good or evil, truth or untruth, happiness or unhapiness.. Aware of my total ignorance, Ihave come to entrust all matters to Tathagata. This is the most essential point in my religious conviction." 

- Manshi Kiyozawa